The RealLife Adventures of Jhonen Vasquez
by the Raven of Roses
Summary: a stoopid little fic about jhonen and what was happening to him while he was working on squee! in this, he battles the kitchen ants and the black widow spider. enjoy, mes amis, and review! like you havent heard THAT before... (ch 3 up)
1. Two Surreal Adventures

Author's note: One-I do NOT own any of these guys, and I CERTAINLY don't own Jhonen. Two-I just got bored one day and decided to make a fic about Jhonen and some of his...battles while he was working on Squee!, namely his "battle with the kitchen ants" and the "black widow spider adventure." If this doesn't make any sense, then GREAT! I'VE DONE ME JOB! These are in the style of Jhonen's Meanwhile comics, so he's going to be fairly messed up. Enjoy, Earthlings.

-Raven

**Battle with the Kitchen Ants**

Jhonen yawned. It was almost sunrise, and he still had five panels left. There was no way he'd be able to finish them tonight; he could barely keep his eyes open. Even the six cans of Coke he'd consumed weren't fighting off the fatigue. He stretched, then stood. The stereo crackled, and he quickly turned it off. Last time it did that, he had ended up trying to put out a fire and manage a small explosion.

"Hmm...that's odd," mumbled Jhonen to no one in particular. "I seem to be hungry. Wonder if there's anything left in the fridge..."

There was a noise in the far-off kitchen. Jhonen's eyes narrowed. It sounded like millions of tiny soldiers marching into battle. Probably the microwave shorting out. All the same, he quickly retrieved the rather wicked-looking katana in the corner of his study and cautiously approached the place in question.

"GYAH!"

And ran back out again. He was right about one thing, there were millions of tiny somethings in his kitchen. But not soldiers-ANTS.

"What the hell did I leave in there THIS time?" Jhonen dropped the sword, realizing that it would be overkill. "Now where did I put the Raid?"

"Jhonen..."

"What-"

A giant black mass of glistening insects suddenly reared up and surged out of the kitchen, spreading through the hall and coming to a stop directly in front of Jhonen.

"VASQUEZ, YOU HAVE TORMENTED US LONG ENOUGH!" hissed a voice from the very center of the mass.

Jhonen picked up the sword again. Maybe it _wouldn't _be overkill.

"I warn you, ants, I am a master of the sword!"

"VERY FUNNY. AND WE ARE A MASS OF TINY ANTS. DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE _OVERKILL?"_

"I WARNED YOU!" Jhonen swung the sword with all his strength, and a blue glow lit up the blade as it sliced through the swarm. A few dozen of the insects were cut in half, and the mass fell to the floor.

And reformed. This was going to be difficult.

"NICE TRY, VASQUEZ. GOT ANY MORE IDEAS?"

"Yes." LASER EYES!

Nope. The ants laughed. Jhonen swore under his breath and retreated, flying down the hall and into his study. The door slammed shut of its own accord, and several hundred hammering sounds could be heard as the swarm launched itself at it. It was time for a new plan.

Jhonen looked around his study, searching for something ANYTHING that could help him defeat the ants. Nothing made itself available. Ink, brushes, paint, pens, paper, paint thinner...PAINT THINNER!

Not exactly sure how this would help, he loaded the stuff into a random water pistol that was lying on the ground. Somehow, the water pistol turned into a high-powered, uh, something resembling a bazooka. Ah, the wonders of comics.

"PERFECT!" Jhonen crouched in the shadows, ready for anything.

Except for the million black ants that surged into the room from under the door and between every crack around the frame. The swarm regrouped, rearing up into a shape that was vaguely insectoid.

"PTIIFUL HUMAN. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT THE _KITCHEN ANTS! WE WILL DESTROY YOU AND FEED UPON YOUR DISTURBINGLY JUICY FLESH!"_

_"_YOU SHALL NEVER FEED ON MY FLESH! Wow, that sounded wrong...Anyway, er, GYAH!"

Jhonen fired the paint thinner, smiling to himself as it coated the swarm and a large area of the walls and floor near it. The bugs were as good as dead.

"Okay, this is just stupid." The bugs were regenerating, and they seemed to be...mutating.

"BWAHAHA! YOU WILL NOT WIN, VASQUEZ! THE DEVIL REWARDS HIS SERVANTS WELL!"

"Wait a minute...You're from Senor Diablo? Is he pissed at me or something? I thought we had an agreement about mutated monsters..." Jhonen put down the bazooka. "You know what? I'm getting bored. Let's finish this so I can get something to eat."

(Insert really bad mortal combat sequence here.)

Jhonen grinned. The last ant was dead, and all that was left was the queen. He looked at the grotesquely bloated insect and crushed it beneath his boot.

"Disgusting. Well, I'm glad that's over. Thanks for the help, Diablo. I never would have gotten them that fast by myself."

"Yeah, yeah, just hand over the souls. We agreed on ten, remember?" Senor Diablo rolled his eyes and looked at his watch. "My wife will be expecting me home for dinner soon, so hurry up."

"Fine, fine, here you go." The artist handed Diablo a paper bag with the words "ten human souls" scrawled on it in Sharpie.

"Oh, damn, I forgot to pick up Pepito from skool! You coming Saturday?"

"Of course. I never miss an opportunity to hone my sharp-shooting skills."

"So it's agreed. Saturday at seven, we go to the mall and do a little harvesting. Nny's coming too, I suppose?"

"Yeah, he said he'd be there. Just go already. I'm hungry."

Diablo rolled his eyes again and snapped his fingers. A cherry ice sucky appeared in Jhonen's hand.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Go away."

Diablo disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Jhonen waited, shrugged, and went back to drawing. He didn't feel much like eating anymore, and besides, those bug guts weren't going to clean _themselves_ up.

**The Black Widow Spider Adventure**

Jhonen glanced at the clock. Seven am already? It only felt like midnight. But the clock must have been right, since the amount of light coming in through the window was too much for it to still be considered night.

"How long have I been sitting here?" he wondered aloud, stretching and wincing at the cracks coming from his too-long stationary joints.

He didn't hear an answer, so he sighed and stood. More cracks. He really had to get out more. Jhonen stumbled into the hall and passed by the kitchen with only a glance at its darkened contents. There was nothing to eat-nothing that hadn't expired, anyway. Jhonen wasn't much one for shopping. Too many people.

Near the front door, Jhonen hit something solid. He cursed, stumbled back, and blinked, wondering if his vision was really _that_ bad. Really, he had glasses, but running into walls was just _ridiculous._

"Oh..." Not bothering to complete the expletive, Jhonen let his voice trail off as he stared at the thing covering the entryway.

Spider web. That much was apparent. But it was _insane,_ a thing of monstrous proportions. The silken webbing had to be at least two feet thick, nearly solid. Jhonen had read somewhere that spider silk was something like ten times stronger than steel, and seeing that, he had no trouble believing it.

"Hello, Jhonen."

"Gyah!"

Jhonen whirled around to be faced with a HUGE spider. A red hourglass was plainly visible on its inky abdomen, and the thing's head was nearly the size of Jhonen's. Yeah, it was a big spider.

"GAH! BLACK WIDOW SPIDER! DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jhonen tried to swing a random umbrella at the spider, but the arachnid caught it and smiled-if it's possible for spiders to smile.

"Nice try, little man. But an umbrella? What demented artist uses an _umbrella_ to kill a _spider?"_

"Um...I don't know. It was just there..." Jhonen let go of the umbrella and stared thoughtfully at the spider. "Heyyyy...You're a black widow spider, aren't you? I thought you weren't supposed to be this big."

"Well, you aren't supposed to be a little freak with glasses. And?"

"Hey, calm down...I didn't mean to get you pissed off. You _are_ poisonous, right?" He slowly backed up.

"Well, yes, I'm a black widow, and yes, I'm poisonous. _Very_ poisonous. So you'd better watch it, you little Mexican freak."

"Eh, well, I _would _leave you alone, but I kind of need to go out. How long have you been here, anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. A few months, I suppose. It's so hard to tell time here. You don't even have a _calendar._ How do you _live_ like this?"

"Damn, I need to get out more. And it's not _that_ bad. At least there aren't any severed human limbs lying around...uh, don't go into the hall closet, by the way."

"Yes, well, just jump out a window or something. It took a long time to make this web, and I need to make sure my eggs are safely hatched."

"Oh, God, not _eggs..._"

Jhonen let several scenarios run through his head. No, killing the thing wouldn't solve the problem of the hundreds of baby spiders that would be hatching soon. Besides, how _would_ he kill the spider? And he couldn't get the web out of the way without killing the spider..._Damn. I knew I shouldn't have put cement over the back door..._

"Okay, so you plan on staying here for _how _long, exactly?"

"As long as I damn well please, dear. Now are you going to leave, or do I have to kill you?"

Jhonen got a wild look on his face and backed up more before turning and running back to his study. There he picked up the phone. No dial tone.

"Okay, did I forget to pay my phone bill again, or did that bitch cut the line?" He tore the phone out of the wall, cursing again as he noticed the small amount of wall that still clung to the cord.

The spider appeared in the doorway. "Lovely. What exactly did that accomplish, now? And what were you going to do, anyway? Call the exterminator? Who would even believe you?"

"Leave me alone. I left _you_ alone, so...go...now. I want to draw, or...something." Apparently Jhonen wasn't going to go anywhere any time soon.

"You're no fun. I should eat you for that. I could, you know."

"O..._kay..._"

"Oh well. I'm going to be in the living room watching television. If you need anything, just holler."

"What?" Utter confusion.

The spider just left, either not hearing him or choosing to ignore him. Jhonen shrugged, sat down, and started drawing.

Two months later, a small cluster of black widows scuttled into Jhonen's study. They giggled, swarmed over some old sketches, and slowly approached the tired comic artist.

"Uncle Jhonen, watcha doin?" squeaked one, jumping onto his head. "Whee! Your hair is funny!"

"Go away, Mimi. I'm drawing."

"Aw...Jhonen's sad!" Mimi turned to her siblings. "We should sing him a _song!"_

They started singing Christmas carols, which greatly annoyed Jhonen. He brushed the little arachnid out of his hair and resumed drawing.

"Aw, Jhonen, it's Christmas! Don't be so angry! Tis the season of JOY AND PEACE AND LOVE!" Mimi's youngest sister, Zita, giggled and wrapped her two front legs around herself.

"Mom ate a bible salesman today." Mimi laughed hysterically. "It was funny when he screamed."

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Whah! I'M TELLING MOM!"

The cluster of spiders scuttled out the door, their softball-sized bodies crashing into one another in their haste.

Soon the voice of Mother Widow came screeching down the hall, grating on Jhonen's ears.

"JHONEN! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SCARING THE GIRLS! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE, HUMAN!"

Jhonen sighed and looked out around at the spider web-draped room. He was never going to get used to this.

So, er, yep...That was the, uh, strange adventures of Jhonen, the comic-drawing weirdo. Or something. Anyway, my apologies for the intense crappiness of it all. Please review and help me be not so bad at writing these things. And PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME FOR MY INTENSELY BAD JOB AT PORTRAYING THE LORD OF ALL HUMANS. I know it sucked, okay? Er, well, happy holidays and pleasant something, people.

-Raven


	2. Wedding of DOOM

**Wedding**

Jhonen was having trouble with mail carriers. The state had stopped sending them after the spider ate the first six. Now he had to send Mimi to the post office every day. Lucky thing it was only a mile away, but one mile can be hell for a giant spider to travel unmolested. Then again, who would actually WANT to molest a giant spider was beyond him.

"Jhonen! Mail's here!"

"Great. How many bills?"

"I dunno. I can't read."

Jhonen sighed. Mimi had been doing that a lot lately. He made a flying leap for the mail-and missed. Mimi giggled and skittered away across the ceiling. Jhonen thought about pursuing her, but decided that he'd sustained enough injury for the day.

"Mimi, give the mail to Jhonen." Mother Widow was poised in the hall as usual, mending her web. "Mimi..."

"Yes, Mom..." grumbled Mimi, dropping the envelopes on Jhonen's head. "Stupid human always ruining my fun..."

"Screw you." Jhonen picked up the mail and glanced at the labels. "Electric bill. Cable bill, internet, academy awards, bank statement, Nobel Peace Prize, SLG, paycheck-wonder how I got that? I don't even work there anymore...notice of foreclosure-that one's for Roman. How the hell did that-oh. Let's see...what the hell is this? You have been invited to the wedding of..."

Ten minutes later, Mimi wandered back into the room. "Uh, Jhonen? Jhonen? Are you okay?"

No answer. He was just staring at the little piece of paper in his hand. Mimi poked him, but nothing happened.

"Hey, what's that? Ooh, a wedding. Hey, Jhonen, I didn't know you had a sister."

"Neither did I..."

"Woot! Wedding! Mom, Jhonen's sister is getting married!"

"What?"

"Jhonen's sister is getting married!"

"I didn't know he had-"

"Neither did he, apparently."

"Oh. How lovely. I remember when your father and I got married, Mimi...such fond memories we shared...until I killed him and used his body for nutrients, of course." Mother Widow smiled and wandered off.

"So, Jhonen, whatcha gonna wear?"

"Why am I wearing a suit again?"

"That's what male humans generally wear to formal occasions."

"And why is it not black?"

"Because gray looks better on you."

"This is really weird."

"You should get going. It wouldn't do for you to be late."

"Screw you."

The phone rang. Mimi picked it up and hissed something into the receiver.

"Hello. This is Hell. How may I help you, doom-ed human?"

"The hell?" The voice on the other end sounded scared. "Who is this? I want to talk to Jhonen!"

"Mimi, give me the phone!" Jhonen attempted to retrieve the phone, but unfortunately, Mimi had once again taken to the ceiling.

"I'm sorry, but Jhonen is currently being eaten alive by black widow spiders. May I take a message?"

"What's going on? I can hear him yelling in the background! Just let me talk to him! Who are you?"

"I'm Mimi, your friendly Netherworld tour guide."

Finally, Jhonen dove for the phone and, for the first time in over a year, actually succeeded in retrieving it from the mad spider.

"Hel-"

And Mimi landed on him.

"Jhonen? Jhonen? Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm-"

Mimi's leg made contact with his head.

"My god...What the hell is going on?"

Jhonen dove beneath a table. "Sorry about that; just some trouble with a sp-I mean, a friend's kid. Who is this?"

"This is your sister. You know, the one who's getting married tomorrow?"

"What?"

"Jhonen...have you been drinking?"

"No, of course not." He quickly threw the half-empty bottle of sake away. "So, uh, yeah. How's your spleen?"

"Fine, I guess. You never told me that you'd be coming. Are you?"

"Oh, yeah, well, the mail's been pissing me off lately and...yeah, I'm coming."

"What's that noise in the background?"

"Um, Mimi's being an ass again. She's throwing a tantrum. And a table. And what appears to be a section of the wall."

"Is Mimi your girlf-"

"No. No, she's not."

"Well, the best of luck to you. See you tomorrow."

"Okay...bye."

"Bye!"

click-

"That went well," remarked Mimi, grinning evilly.

"Just shut up."

"Not going to the rehearsal dinner, then?"

"No. No, I'm not."

"Okay. I'm gonna go make Ramen. That okay with you?"

No answer. Jhonen was too busy wondering how it was that he hadn't killed that little bitch of a spider yet. Probably because she could easily swallow him whole.

The next day, Mother Widow had a new layer of web over the front hall. It provided just enough irritation for Jhonen to break a window and make a NEW front door. He must have looked strange wearing a black trench coat over a gray suit, but it was weird enough to wear something so formal. He had to at least bring the trench coat. There was the issue of his hair, but red looked perfectly fine as far as he was concerned.

Of course, Jhonen was by no means exempt from stares of shock and disdain from the other guests once he finally got to the church. His plan was to stay toward the back, but unfortunately one of his more distant relatives spotted him and forced him to sit in the third row of pews, right next to-

"The hell are YOU doing here?"

Roman looked up, mildly surprised. "I dunno, man. I was just sketching in a tree and this huge spider...whatever. I was probably drunk or high or something. So your sister's getting married, huh?"

"I guess so. And did that spider happen to be wearing a chain around its neck...thing?"

"Uh, yeah, why?"

"Mimi."

"Huh?"

"Nothing."

"Hey, Jhonen, you might want to ditch the coat."

"What? Oh, yeah. Uh..." He shoved the trench coat under the wooden bench and stood for the beginning of the ceremony.

The reception was rather boring. Somewhere around a hundred people milling around making forced small talk was nothing spectacular. Roman took off the second the ceremony was done, making some excuse about finishing a comic, but it was no secret that he was hated by most of Jhonen's immediate family...not to mention the distant family members...

Jhonen sat at a table in the corner, alone except for his sketchbook, several empty glasses of wine, and a dozen or so sheets of crumpled paper. A shifty-eyed look at the crowd, and he slowly reached for the trench coat under his chair.

"Jhonen!" His cousin glared at him. "Bad!"

"Damn..." muttered Jhonen, resuming sketching.

"Don't you ever stop drawing?" the same cousin asked, a disgusted look twisting her face into a mask of EVIL.

"I can't draw in my sleep."

The goblin snatched his sketchbook, rifling through the many drawings contained within. Her expression went from annoyed to shocked to terrified to horrified as the images steadily became more twisted.

"What the hell..." she trailed off, completely at a loss for words.

"Oh, that's Nny. Uh, he was a character in my earlier work. I go back to him every now and then."

"My God..."

Jhonen retrieved the sketchbook and resumed sketching, completely ignoring his cousin, even when she fell to the ground in a dead faint. He was too busy drawing her with a spork through her skull.

"Jhonen!" A rather tipsy-looking man stumbled into a chair next to the cartoonist, throwing an arm around his shoulder. "How ya doin, man?"

"Who are you and why have you invaded my personal space bubble?"

"I'm yer cuzzin, Jhonen. Doncha member?"

"No. No I do not. Please remove your appendages from my shoulder and leave."

"Hey, man, I think yuh bin drinkin a little too much, yuh no? I'm gunna hafta cut yoo off..." And he proceeded to slowly slide off of the chair.

"Screw this." Jhonen gathered his things and slipped out a side door.

He reappeared five minutes later in normal clothes. Sadly enough, the number of stares he received didn't increase very drastically. The trench coat finally resumed its place over the black shirt and cargo-esque pants he'd been wearing the night before. The spiked collar might have been a bit much, but that didn't mean the cousin who had just recovered from her fainting spell should have screamed and fainted again.

Actually, THAT was kind of funny.

"Hey, Jhonen!" A rather elderly-looking man beckoned the cartoonist over, seemingly oblivious to his appearance. "Come on and meet the in-laws!"

Hesitantly, Jhonen obeyed. He wasn't quite sure who this man was, let alone the other two people with him, but if he had recognized Jhonen...The man abruptly pulled him closer, rudely cutting his personal space bubble in half. A reflexive punch made the man let go of him, but he still couldn't get away.

"Little skittish, eh? This is my son, Jhonen. Jhonen, these are the parents of the groom, Mary and David."

"Er, hello, dear..." Mary, a small gray haired woman, took an involuntary step backward. "How are you?"

"...Very uncomfortable. You?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Dave, say hello to the young man."

"Uh, hello, there, boy. You're a tense man, aren't you? I'm Dave. Nice to meet you."

Dave stuck out his hand, and nothing happened. Jhonen just stared at him blankly, madly trying to keep from screaming and bolting. Eventually Dave retracted his hand and smiled, not really sure how to react.

"Hmm. Not really into formality. Okay, then. So..."

"How do you feel about your sister getting married, Jhonen?" asked Mary, trying to force small talk. "Wasn't she just radiant at the ceremony?"

No answer. Mary got the same blank stare, but this time Jhonen was trying not to snap and scream "I HAD NO FCKING IDEA THAT I HAD A SISTER!" As far as he could tell, it was working. Instead of saying anything else, he opened his sketchbook and started drawing.

"Oh...Er, shall we go talk to his brother?" Mary and the others hurried off, anxious to get away from the antisocial freak.

Jhonen looked up awhile later. He put the finishing touches on a sketch of Mary with fangs and scales, but found the small group gone. A sigh of relief, and he pulled out a lighter.

"Time to make this a little more exciting..."

The next night, Jhonen was roaming the streets when he noticed a newspaper lying abandoned on a bench. the story on the front page was rather sinister, telling of a horrible fire at a wedding reception. No one had died, but the blaze, most likely the result of arson, had caused huge amounts of damage.

Jhonen lit the newspaper on fire and dropped it into a trash can. As the flames spread to a nearby building, he congratulated himself on a job well done.

Author's note: hee hee. Jhonen as a pyro would be funny. That fic stemmed from a conversation me and me friend had on what Jhonen would look like in a tux. Goddess, we had a lot of fun with that one. Anyway, hope you liked it and please review if you did.

Raven, Your Friendly Neptunian Pyro


	3. ROAD TRIP!

Author's note: Neither this chap or the one before it started out how I planned, and this one went in a really weird direction that I never thought ANYTHING could go, let alone a fanfic. Anyway, um...yeah. Enjoy, and do try to figure out what the hell happened to this thing, never mind what's going on IN the fic. Eh, read and enjoy, and if you like, do check out me other fics, will you? Sorry for the shameless plug, but I enjoy your comments, and I love sharing the insanity in my mind with others. If you followed that, congrats, cuz I have no fsking idea what I just said. Whatever. Read and enjoy...or something.

Raven, your Friendly Neptunian Insomniac

**Road Trip**

"Remind me-WHY exactly are we on a bus to New York?"

"You need to get out more."

"Screw that; there's HUMANS here."

"Just shut up and look at the scenery."

Greyhound buses really aren't that nice. This one had those ugly, uncomfortable plastic seats that just drive you insane to sit in for more than a few minutes. Admittedly, the back seats were nicer, being in a fairly long line, but they were near the bathroom, so everyone had to pass them. Jhonen had claimed the entire row of seats and was currently sprawled out and staring at the people directly ahead of him. Amusingly enough, the first two rows in front of him were empty-save for Roman, but Roman didn't really count.

"Jhonen, stop scaring the humans."

Rolling his eyes, Jhonen put away his knife. It was no fun traveling with such a hardass. Usually Roman would have joined in on the game, but lately his wife had really cracked down on him. He'd been almost completely rewired, furthering everyone's suspicions that the woman had really killed Roman and built a replacement android years ago.

"Got anything to eat?"

Roman looked annoyed. "No. I thought you had food."

"You were supposed to get food."

"Oh, come ON."

"You mean we have no food?"

"Guess so"

"Dammit."

Several old women glanced over at Jhonen and moved closer to the front of the bus. The cartoonist thought about sketching them, but a glance at Roman made it clear he was already way ahead of him. So instead Jhonen entertained himself by making threatening gestures at the cars passing the bus. After the second head-on collision, though, he stopped flipping them off. It was no fun if he got arrested.

"So, working on any new stuff lately?"

Ah, small talk. Roman tried so hard. Really the whole effort made him look pathetic, but at least they could pass time.

""Not really. Just small projects. Still trying to decide if I want to torture the fans for a little longer before continuing JTHM. You?"

"One word: Lenore. Any more fans send you dead squirrels?"

"No. I'm not entirely sure if that's a good or a bad thing."

"I'd say good, but you never know. It could be funny. You know, you're a pretty hard cat to track down. I thought you moved."

"I'm not a cat...I think...And no, I didn't move. I just never leave the house. except to get food. But they deliver food to you, so sometimes I don't even have to leave for that."

"I got attacked by a fan last week. It was weird. She just sort of tackled me. I'm not really sure what that was all about, but I ended up needing to change my phone number." Roman glanced over at a seat a few rows up. "Uh, Jhonen, am I high or something?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"Well, I seem to be seeing a small group of giant spiders on the bus."

"Oh, that's Mimi and her family. Well not all of them; some of them moved out already. Her mother moved in a few years ago, maybe more. I don't have a calendar, so I can't remember when it was, exactly."

"Oh. Okay, then. Nothing strange there." Roman went back to drawing, leaving Jhonen to his thoughts.

_I wonder if I can kill the driver and hijack the bus? It'd be fun...No, wait, there's laws against that. Damn. Oh well. Maybe I'll just scare those old ladies or something. Maybe I'll get lucky and one of them will get a heart attack..._

"Hello, young man."

An old woman with that weird old-lady-blue hair sat down next to Jhonen and smiled.

"What is your name, dear?"

"Who...the hell...are you?" Those five words seemed very hard to choke out suddenly. Roman glanced at the old woman, then went back to drawing. Not his problem.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have introduced myself. I'm Laura. It's nice to meet you...what did you say your name was, dear?"

"...My name is Jhonen." _Don't kill her don't kill her don't kill her don't stab her in the eye don't stab-_

"Oh, what a creative name! Did you make it up yourself?"

"...No. No, I didn't." _Okay, kill her._

"Well, Jhonen, my friends and I have been noticing that you seem awfully down in the dumps. We thought we might be able to help you out a bit."

Jhonen thought that this was not an appropriate time to point out that he was sitting near the bathroom. Instead, he contented himself with a suspicious glare and with moving a little away from Laura. She didn't seem to mind at all; in fact, it seemed as though his behavior just made her more determined to assist him.

"We thought that you might be needing a little money to get you started. After all, it's very hard to be homeless. Poor dear. You go get a place to live in, alright?"

Laura handed a speechless Jhonen a neatly folded wad of bills and went back to her seat. Roman cracked up, and Jhonen was too flabbergasted to tell him to go to hell.

"That is GOOD." Roman finally got enough breath back to talk. "God, they thought you were a homeless guy. Come to think of it, you DO have that look about you. Your insomnia back or something?"

"Did it ever leave?" What a stupid thing to say. "I really should just kill you, you know. What the hell was up with them, anyway?"

Jhonen stared at the money in his hand. He was suddenly reminded of his old paycheck. Too bad he'd gotten fired from that one...Assaulting clients and threatening to carve out their insides with a spork was against the rules, unfortunately...

He abruptly snapped out of his reverie when the sound of laughter reached his ears. The old women were congratulating Laura, going on about how brave she had been, talking to the scary homeless man. A swift contemplation of setting Mimi on them was dismissed, and Jhonen went back to staring at people.

A small child took one look at him and started screaming and crying. The annoyed mother had to take the child to the front of the bus. She gave him a dirty look before hurrying off. Stupid kids and their irritating parents...

"Hey, Jhonen, look. Vegas. We're stopping there for the night. Up for gambling?"

"No. I'm going to do something else."

The homeless family on the street seemed very happy with the several thousand dollars. Jhonen paused only to hand over the rest of what he had in his wallet-and what had been in Roman's-to the youngest child, a ragged-looking little girl. Then amidst the thanks and praise, he headed back to the hotel.

Hey-at least the old biddies' money would go to a good cause.

"Where were you, man?" asked Roman from his place in the corner, where he was bent over his sketchbook. "You go to a brothel or what?"

"No. But the homeless family down the road really appreciate our cash."

"Yeah, right-wait. OUR cash?"

"Affirmative. Pick-pocketing is fun and easy."

"You are evil."

"Yes. yes, I am."

"Uh, Jhonen?"

"What?"

Roman pointed to the ceiling. "Can we do anything about your friends?"

Mimi stuck out her tongue, and Zita dropped a ball of webbing on Roman's head. Mother Widow was too busy making a web to scold them, and already the other spiders were taking orders from their two older sisters.

"Sorry. They can kill you, you know, so don't piss them off."

"Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I eat Uncle Jhonen?" whined a spider the size of a coffeepot.

"No, Tenn. Uncle Jhonen is paying the bills. If we eat him, we'll have to go live outside. Do you want to live outside?"

"No..."

"Good. Then no more talk of eating the human."

"Yes, Mama...Can I eat the poodle outside?"

"Just bring back some for your little sisters."

"Yes, Mama." Tenn scurried off past a slightly disturbed Roman.

"That...was not right," he declared, closing the sketchbook and opening the window. "I'm going out. I'll be back later. Hopefully. Please don't let those spider-things kill anyone. i don't want to have to flee the state again."

Roman dove headfirst out the window, fell three stories, and ran.

"Oh, yeah, that's right...The police here have a warrant for your arrest..." Jhonen glanced at the phone, then thought better of it.

"Uncle Jhonen, Tenn just ate a tourist..." Mimi poked Jhonen repeatedly. "Mama's busy, so she can't go yell at Tenn. Could you yell at her?"

"I guess so..." Jhonen stuck his head out the window.

"Tenn, you idiot, don't eat the tourists! Get back in here!"

Tenn scurried back through the window, leaving a half-bound tourist squirming on the sidewalk. Mimi slapped her sister upside the head in reprimand for her stupidity, and peace was restored to the hotel room. Sort of.

"Ooh, look, I can play games on this thing!"

"Hey! A coffee maker!"

"What's 'espresso?'"

"Whoo! It's good!"

Jhonen surveyed the chaos, shrugged, and locked himself in the closet with a sketchbook.

They had to flee the state. Roman apparently got himself into some trouble at a casino. Something about public drunkenness and assaulting a casino mascot with a video poker machine. Not to mention that deck of cards...Jhonen couldn't get anything else out of him, but at any rate, they caught the bus at the border. Those people wouldn't have wanted their car back, anyway...

"Jhonen? Why the hell are those spiders still hanging around?"

"They like to follow me."

"Damn. Do they ever scare people off?"

"Hey!" Mimi pouted, showing off her fangs. "I'm right here, you know."

"Well, have you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. The post office stopped sending mail carriers a long time ago. Too bad, cuz they tasted good."

"Excuse me, sir, but you'll have to move so that the other riders can board the vehicle." The driver, a rather sinister-looking woman, leered unpleasantly at the two cartoonists, prompting a swift dash to the back of the bus.

"I hear you two got into some trouble with the law," Laura quipped brightly as Jhonen passed by. "I hope it wasn't anything terribly serious."

"Well, thanks to Roman, we had to get out of the state. I never thought I'd get to try out hitchhiking."

"Oh, well that sounds very exciting. Did you have fun?" The lady was completely oblivious.

"Yes. Yes, we did. Happy now?"

Laura looked confused, then nodded eagerly. Those kinds of people were the ones who made Jhonen hate humans. He briefly thought about killing her, then decided against it. He didn't need any more of a police record...

"I wanna window seat!" Zita was already complaining. "Uncle Jhonen, Mama won't let me have a window seat!"

"Oh, is that your niece?" queried Laura, a warm smile adorning the mass of wrinkles that passed for a face. "She is the most adorable little thing I have ever seen!"

"You, human, scare me," muttered Jhonen while he nodded, mystified at her insanely cheery reaction.

"Oh, you really think I'm that cute?" cooed Zita, running a claw over her head. "I still want a window seat, though."

"Oh, poor dear. Go ahead and sit by me. I don't mind sharing a row."

Jhonen was speechless.

"Thanks!" Zita jumped into the seat and immediately began to stare out the window at the trees going by.

"Hey, Morla, wanna go throw webbing at cars?"

"Morla, Flan, what did Mother tell you about doing that?" Zita glared at the smaller spiders, filling in for Mother as Mother was busy with her younger children.

"Who cares? You're not Mom!"

"Mom's busy, so I AM Mom now.

"Zita, just shut up and let the kids have fun." Jhonen glanced up from his sketchbook. "How many of you ARE there, anyway?"

"Well, we ate most of the guys already, so only about fifty. Some of us left the house to go seek their fortune as Hollywood movie monsters."

No reply. By this time, the bus had started moving again, and they had passed into Utah. The Mormons had yet to start bombarding the vehicle, but everyone was on edge.

(note: this is not an attempt at religious prejudice. i have several mormon friends, and theyre great. but one of them told me about being in utah and having all these mormons coming up to their car and trying to get them to join their church. just lighten up and try to enjoy the fic, okay? -raven)

Suddenly, the bus stopped. No sound at all. The engine had died. The driver kept trying to start the bus, but nothing happened. Then someone had the bright idea to look out the window.

A crowd of people surrounded the bus. One of them was holding a blackened pair of scissors. That had been the one to kill the engine. Passengers exchanged terrified looks and pulled out cans of mace and hairspray. Roman and Jhonen simultaneously drew knives from their pockets, and Roman added a handgun.

"What the hell is that for? Jhonen snapped indignantly.

"Protection. What ELSE would I use a gun for?"

Jhonen grabbed the gun and handed it to Mimi. "Here. Destroy it, then eat it."

"Aye aye, Uncle Jhonen!" Mimi crushed the weapon in one claw and swallowed it whole.

"Hey, man, that was my gun..."

"You are correct. That WAS your gun."

"Mimi, watch out!"

A huge book flew through the closed window, hitting Mimi in the head. She growled and dove through the broken glass, landing in a crouch on top of the guilty human. A scream, and it was all over.

"Join us!" screamed the throng of people, swarming over the bus and crawling in through every opening they could find.

"Quickly! Everyone, evacuate the bus!" The driver was taken over by a crowd of creatures who heaved pamphlets and books at her with alarming ferocity.

People streamed out of the bus, running and screaming and getting brought down by the crazed fanatics. Roman and Jhonen calmly took their things and left the vehicle, determined not to let a bunch of crazy things piss them off.

The spiders, on the other hand, were frozen. "Oh, my God, what the hell are we supposed to do?" shrieked Mimi, grasping one of her sisters by the leg.

"Get away from me!" Tenn squirmed away and retreated into a corner.

"Spiders! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" cried Jhonen, gleefully anticipating a bloodbath.

Mimi and her siblings streamed out of the bus, giggling and chattering to themselves. Mother Widow sighed and followed, carving her way through the crowd to where the cartoonists stood. She looked annoyed.

"Jhonen, why are you sending my children into battle?" she asked tersely.

"Well what ELSE are we supposed to do?"

"He's got a point, ya know," Roman pointed out.

"This doesn't concern you, human." Mother Widow glared at Roman, then turned back to the subject at hand. "Now, I swear, if any of my little girls die, you are in for a pain so great, the likes of which have never been seen, that you will pray for death by FIRE!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Jhonen was too busy watching the chaos. "Hey, I didn't know Zita could do that with her claws."

"Mimi's got the whole head-explodie thing going. Violent little things." Roman grinned. "Any chance one of them want to do some guard work? We could use something like that at our place. My wife hates the fangirls that inexplicably find their way there..."

"Don't even THINK about it, human!"

Suddenly, a small black widow scurried over, coming to a stop on Roman's head. "Ooh, Mom, can me and Spooky go?"

"Moose, you know how I feel about letting you kids go off on your own..."

"Aw, come on! I'm almost two years old! Please?"

"Well, alright. But if you encounter any problems, go to your sister Tak in San Diego, got it?"

"Thanks, Mom!" Moose hugged her mother and hurried off to tell her sister the good news.

"Hey, looks like they got the last one." Jhonen was vaguely disappointed. "There wasn't even a decent battle between evil and...the slightly less evil. Oh well. At least those guys won't be pissing us off again..."

"Whoo! I had FUN! Can we do that again?" Mimi tumbled to the ground, laughing her head off. (And coughing up several heads in the process.)

"Let's just get back on the bus, okay?"

A small silence, then everyone shrugged and boarded the bus. Mimi figured out how to drive the vehicle, and they were back on the road to New York.

"Huh. That was weird," Roman rearked, settling into a row of seats.

"That was nothing. Wait until we get to Wisconsin. Then it'll be people with..._cheese._" Jhonen shuddered.

The feeling was mutual.

Author's note: my apologies to anyone who was offended by this. it was all in good fun, i swear. and sorry for the extreme OOC that everything was going through. i think i was really hyped on sugar when i wrote this, and i didnt have the best judgment. anyway, i find it amusing. have fun, kiddos, and please do drop a review and PLEASE INCLUDE IDEAS FOR MORE JHONEN FICS IF YOU WISH TO SEE MORE. This one came courtesy of me friend tsuki, who suggested a road trip. i think. well, something like that. it was really late at night, so i cant be completely sure...heh, whatever. hope you liked me latest attempt at channeling me insanity.

-raven, your friendly neptunian tour guide


	4. Football and Cheese

Author's note: Hey, kids, Raven again. This next chapter is just a little look inside Jhonen's mind while he attends that horror known as a football game. Read, enjoy, and try not to be offended.

-raven, your friendly neptunian insomniac

A short commentary on football

How the hell did I get here? There's too many people. WAY too many. Okay, well, as long as I'm here, I may as well go sit down. This looks like a meeting of some sort. Maybe I've been brainwashed into joining a cult...No, this doesn't look like any cult I've ever been forced into...

GYAAAAH! Why is there nose! So many people yelling and screaming. Loud, non-metal music. playing. Who's running around down there?

What the hell? Is this some sort of sacrificial ritual? Those large people seem to be attempting to kill each other and gain hold of a small, oddly-shaped object. More people are screaming now. I don't see any blood, though. Maybe he broke the other one's back.

And now there are strangely-dressed women running onto the field to dance. They must be offering the souls of the fallen to the gods. And...now giant spiders are coming onto the field. Oh, look, there's Mimi. I didn't know she joined a cult. Well, NOW there's blood. I didn't know a spider could do that. Reminds me of Alien. People are screaming again and running away. You'd think that after all they saw, this would be nothing. Oh well. Not everyone can appreciate ritualistic killing.

Eh, I'm bored. Time to go join in on the fun, I think. Wonder if the knife will be sufficient?

Author's note: Told ya it was short. I'm running out of ideas. If nobody gives me decent plot suggestions, I'll have to write a fangirl chapter. And we all know there's WAY too many of those. (Not that I hate them; I just read one, Attack of the Scary Fangirls, that rocks.) Until the night, mes amis.

-raven, your friendly neptunian pyro

Attack of the Cheese People

"Where the hell are we?"

"Do you think I know?"

"Check the map!"

"Map?"

"Oh, God. Don't tell me-"

"I'm illiterate, dear."

"You're illiterate."

"I'm a spider. Spiders don't read."

"I read!"

"Shut up, Zita. I'm trying to drive, here."

The bus veered to the left, and everyone on board was suddenly vacating their seats. Spiders squealed and skittered up to the roof, clinging to the metal for dear life, while the two humans returned to a sitting position in the hard plastic of the bus seats. Mimi cursed and punched the dashboard, denting something that looked fairly important.

"Oh, great. You stupid vehicle! Now look what you made me do!"

"Uh, Mimi, calm down. We need to get to New York, preferably intact." Jhonen attempted to calm the spider down, but a hiss and a spray of venom quickly convinced him to abandon his efforts.

"Can we stop for food? I'm hungry," whined Roman.

It had been awhile since they had eaten. Two days, to be exact. But most of the time, Mimi had been too psychotic for either Roman or Jhonen to suggest anything, much less a food run.

"We'll stop in Wisconsin, got it? Now I don't want to hear another WORD until then!" Mimi's many eyes flashed red.

"Hey, Uncle Jhonen, help me and Spoon throw stuff out the windows!" Moose grinned and started prying loose some of the plastic seats near the middle of the bus.

"Moose, be careful. Those things are heavy." Jhonen moved to assist her, leaving Roman to deal with the psychotic black widow.

"MOM! I CAN'T GET THE BRAKES TO WORK!" Mimi kicked the brake, and something made a loud crunching sound.

"Mimi, dear, stop getting hysterical and try the brake. It's that little pedal next to the acceleration." Mother Widow looked up from her knitting, sighed, and ignored her daughter's screams of anger.

"Oh, look at that. It worked." Mimi smiled and looked back at the road.

And realized she'd left the pavement a minute or so ago.

"Oh-"

-THUD-

And for the second time in five minutes, everyone vacated their seats. Moose went through an open window with a bus seat and six of her siblings. Fortunately, Mother Widow caught the spiders before they hit the ground, and though the bus seat was damaged beyond repair, everyone else was okay. Mimi managed to get the bus out of the ditch, and they were back on the road by sundown.

"Okay, guys, we are in Wisconsin," announced Mimi.

"How do you know that? I thought spiders were illiterate," muttered Roman.

"Look out the window and tell me we're not in Wisconsin, Human."

Sure enough, there was cheese everywhere. That, and cows. Field after field of lumbering beasts and huge blocks of Wisconsin cheese. People on the side of the road gave the bus steely glares, and their expressions soured even more when the bus seats started to fly out through the windows.

"Oh, look. Cheese people." Jhonen yawned. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Wait for it..."whispered Zita. "Wait for it..."

Jhonen started. "Wait a minute...Cheese people?"

"FOOD!"

Roman dove out one of the windows and tackled a large cheese figure. They swarmed him immediately, and within seconds he had disappeared from view. Mimi stopped the bus, and a small swarm of spiders skittered out, eager to do battle again.

"Woot!" squealed Flan. "More fighting! This time, we get to kill CHEESE!"

"Oh, for God's sake. This is ridiculous! CHEESE? I mean, Mormons were one thing, but this..." Jhonen sighed. "Okay, let's go fight the cheese things."

"DIE, CHEESE, DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" screamed Mimi, landing on a group of cheese things.

"Hey!" A muffled curse came from beneath the mass of lifeless cheese. "I'm under here, you know!"

"Oh. Sorry, Roman. Having fun?"

Roman stood up and hobbled away. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Moose swallowed a cheese person whole and giggled. "I LUVS cheese!"

"Are we done yet?"

"Not quite, Uncle Jhonen!"

Ten minutes later, Jhonen shoved the last of the cheese into a cooler one of the tourists had left behind. Roman was busy tending to the wounded...eh, well, if shooting everything that moved constituted as tending to the wounded...

"Okay, that was stupid," muttered Jhonen, settling down in his seat to wait for Roman to come back. "What now? Angry Canadians?"

"You shouldn't have said that, you know." Mother Widow sat down a few rows up. "After all, we're going to be in Canada for awhile, and they're still pissed as hell about the whole slave-labor-in-Canada thing."

"Great."

Roman was finally carried back onto the bus, and Mimi floored it.


End file.
